emonem

Well, it’s all over now. Jessie won. Keira lost and another tournament is in the books. Mr. Jonze had me announce the centerpiece contest and all the girls are heading home. I know I’m ready to do the same. I think after the past 6 weeks, I’ve earned a vacation. I wonder where I should go? I don’t have any jobs booked this summer so maybe a trip to Italy???

Anyway, it was fun again and best wishes to everyone at the UBF.

xxx ooo,
em

ps. One last bit of gossip for you. Lindsay Lohan has been discharged from Mr. Jonze’s inner circle for repeated policy violations! I declined another invitation to join the ‘Gettes club (I just like popping in and helping out from time to time) so Mr. Jonze has asked Winona Ryder to join! No word on whether she will or not but I guess now we know why she showed up ‘unexpectedly’ last week!

One of the things that you may not know about the tournament during it’s 6 weeks is that everyone is invited to stay as long as they want here (believe me, the accomodations are absolutely Spa-like) for the duration. A few do (mostly Mr. Jonze’s favoreds) but mostly regulars turn up during the weekends to support their friends and have fun here. Among the returnees this weekend were Jennifer Love Hewitt, Alyson Hannigan, Ashlee Simpson, Amy Acker, Christina Aguilera, Holly Marie Combs, Jessica Biel, Denise Richards, Rachael Leigh Cook, and my pals Evangeline Lilly and Chyler Leigh. Oh and Linda Cardellini, surprise surprise. But you know who shocked everyone when she showed up at the entry way? Winona Ryder! I don’t know what she’s been up to lately but whatever it is, it’s doing wonders because she looks fantastic!

Anyway, everyone here got a real treat becauase someone FINALLY shut Kirsten Dunst up, thank god! Keira really let her have it after their round was over, much to everyone’s delight. Kiki insisted she was merely “playing” with all of her antics and was pretty easy going about all the ribbing she got but a few were skeptical.

When Jessie beat Reese, she gave Reese a big hug and they had a quite lengthy discussion afterward. I knew better than to ask Reese what they talked about but that didn’t stop Jessica Biel from doing just that! Reese of course demurred but said that she was confident that Jessie would win the crown this year. She also said she had a blast being a part of the final four and she surprised everyone with a catered (from Spago, no less!) after-party!

Sorry there are no leftovers. ;-)

Okay, the final four are as follows:
Reese Witherspoon
Jessica Alba
Keira Knightley
Kirsten Dunst

Mr. Jonze wanted me to point out that this is the first year we’ve had NO Buffy girls in the final four and it’s the first time since 2002 that we’ve had four competitors who had never been to the semi-finals before.

But who cares about records and statistics? Let’s talk GOSSIP! As you know by now, Keira Knightley and Natalie Portman went into extra sessions to determine who would move on (Keira) and who would go home (Nat). When it was all over, Nat was absolutely crestfallen. She said that this was the hardest loss she’d ever had (and as you know, Nat has had some of the hardest losses in tourno history) and she not only wished Keira well but that she’d go on to win it all. Keira was exhausted after the round and had no comments.

Of course, all the overtimes delayed the start of the other regional finals which REALLY caused a tizzy! Just about all the other competitors complained in one way or another but of course, who caused the biggest racket? Kirsten Dunst and Eva Longoria! Eva threatened to hop out of the compound if she had to and Kiki demanded that both Keira and Nat be disqualified! Both girls were quickly muzzled though and when Kiki emerged as the winner over Eva, Mr. Jonze insisted (at EVERYONE’S behest) that the muzzle stay on Kiki until further notice. I must say, it is hilarious listening to Kiki try to trash talk behind a very thick gag. Although I do wish it were thicker...

Reese had to call her agent during the overtimes to rearrange part of her busy schedule to accomodate the extra time. She’ll really have to reschedule now because she won again over Elisha Cuthbert. She didn’t take into consideration that she’d get this far in the tournament so it’s lucky she doesn’t have a movie that starts shooting next week!

Angelina actually seemed glad after her loss to Jessica Alba though. She said that the rigors of the competition were really starting to wear on her and she mentioned something about needing to go to Cambodia to get ‘centered’ again. She’s really starting to show with her new baby on the way by the way.

Jessie smiled at me today. It’s like she wanted to tell me something but didn’t at the same time.

Now this is just ridiculous!

!!!!

As one would expect, the claws came out a bit this week as the sixteen remaining competitors vied for our title. Here’s how crazy it got this week...

Remember how I mentioned Kirsten Dunst’s ranting last week after she beat Sarah Michelle? She was literally crowing after she pulled off an amazing upset over Kate Beckinsale this week. Poor Kate didn’t know what to make of it all.

All of Kiki’s posturing didn’t phase Eva Longoria though after her handy win over Charlize Theron. Eva told everyone within earshot that she worked on the toughest set on television and Spider-Man’s girlfriend would be no worries for her.

Kiki heard that and she confronted Eva face to face, talking some of the nastiest trash I have ever heard around here! Both women had to literally be restrained and taken to separate parts of the compound.

Things were quite a bit more civil in the other regionals. Michelle Trachtenberg was reportedly disappointed when she lost (badly) to Keira Knightley but at the same time, she had nothing but kind words for her competitor. Same goes for Jessica Biel who lost to Natalie Portman. Both Nat and Keira were very contemplative and reserved after their wins. And little wonder! The next-round battle between them is all the buzz around Mr. Jonze’s office.

Reese Witherspoon was positively bubbly after her win over Amy Acker. Miss Acker was almost as gushy over Reese herself. She said, and I quote, “It’s an honor to have competed against someone whom I’ve admired my whole career.” As usual, Reese reciprocated with a lovely gift she had me order for Amy (I can’t tell you what it was though, she swore me to secrecy after I let the cat out of the bag last week!)

Reese’s opponent in the next round is Elisha Cuthbert who is really nice once you get to know her but never been very ‘into’ doing the tournament. She’s constantly going on about being typecast as a ‘bondage babe’ but it’s like I told her this week, look at Reese! She did some tie-up stuff in her career and it hasn’t seemed to hurt her one bit.

The first thing Eliza Dushku did when the gag came off at the end of this round was order a bottle of bourbon (Maker’s Mark I think) and a pack of cigarettes. She was completely overwhelmed during her round with Jessica Alba and she was visibly frustrated. But she knocked back shots with Rose McGowan after she lost to Angelina Jolie (who was quite chummy with everyone after her win over Rose) to get over the pain.

Again, Jessica has been very very quiet during this year’s competition. No trash talking, no controversy. She seems very focused and at times, rather embarassed by how well she’s doing. She did tell me to thank everyone who had voted for her though so here ya go Jessie...

THANKS TO EVERYONE! See you next week.

So much to get to and so much to do. It’s not easy being me sometimes but let’s have a go at it...

Despite all her support, Grace Park lost this week to Cameron Diaz (who always smells like mint and jasmine by the way) and as she was packing up her things, she burst into tears! She said she didn’t think it would affect her the way it did and that she really wanted to win. Cam was the one who comforted her most and it was really a nice moment. I wish I could say the same about...

Lindsay Lohan, phew! I thought Britney pitched a fit last week. It was nothing compared to Lindsay’s when she lost to Elisha Cuthbert. She actually threatened Elisha with a ‘beat down’ and security had to come get her. Mr. Jonze interceded with Miss Leick and now they have Lindsay under ‘observation’ at one of the compound infirmaries. No word on her condition as of this posting but I’ll let you know what I hear next week.

I was sad to see Chyler Leigh lose this week to Eva Longoria (who is very chilly to everyone here, until a camera is on her then she’s all strawberries and cream). But Chyler was very sweet about it (she even bought me a nice bouquet of flowers!) and promised that next year she’d be more prepared for the rigors involved with the tournament.

The upset of the round was a pleasant surprise for Reese Witherspoon who knocked out fan-favorite, Alyson Hannigan. Reese said she thought she’d have no chance against Aly so her win came as a complete shock. Aly was quick to compliment Reese on her game (and her Oscar) and Reese was equally complimentary. I heard Reese bought Aly an extravagant gift from Illume on Rodeo Drive! What's crazy about this story has to do with another battle altogether...

Kristen Bell stormed into Mr. Jonze's office and accused him of 'abandoning her' during this round while he supported Reese! She was not a happy camper! Mr. Jonze asked me to keep his doors shut and to hold all calls while resolved this with her. It took about an hour and when she was escorted out by him, she seemed quite content and much calmer. Of course, the harness gag might've had something to do with it...

Angelina Jolie and Hilary Duff were in competition against each other this week and let me tell you, it was totally bonkers seeing those two go at it. Usually Angie can intimidate her opponents with that stare of hers but Hilary was having none of it! Even though Angie won in the end, she had kind words for “The Kid”.

Kirsten Dunst was talking trash all week (when she wasn’t gagged that is) about how she was going to kick Sarah Michelle Gellar’s arse all over the place. Sarah just rolled her eyes at Kiki and said, “my game speaks for me.” And it did, for a while. When Kiki made a last minute plea for Mr. Jonze to put in a good word for her, Sarah went ballistic because it ended up costing her the round and it was the first time she ever missed the Sweet 16. Rumour has it she confronted Mr. Jonze directly after the round and threatened to boycott the tournament next year. It didn’t help that Kiki turned right around and started talking trash about her next opponent. I’m sure we’ve not heard the last of this Madness debacle...

I can’t believe all this BEFORE the Sweet 16??? I don’t know if I can take 4 more weeks of this insanity but Mr. Jonze promises a nice bonus awaits me for being so patient with everything this year. I wonder what it will be?

Anyway, I'm off to bed now. Don't wait for the DVD, go see The Hills Have Eyes right now!!!

Mr. Jonze warned me ahead of time this might be the craziest competition yet and he’s as good as his word. It’s like everyone’s gone bloody mad this year. I don’t even know where to start...

First, Linda Cardellini showed up, unannounced the first day of the competition. *I* had to be the one to break it to her that she wasn’t on the list again this year. And of course, she had to chuck a spaz over it. I thought she would’ve learned her lesson after the whole Missing Tiara fiasco but luckily Miss Leick was around to teach her it again!

Then my “Lost” co-star Evangeline Lilly got into a heated battle with that Sci-Fi sheila Grace Park. Evi did pretty well but ended up losing in the end. She told me she didn’t think it would be as intense as it was. I told her she should try working here sometime...

Naomi Watts was here on time for the start of the tourno but her ballot wasn’t! Luckily she just kind of laughed it off. She told me she’s used to getting forgotten about for a while but eventually she gets remembered at the right time. That’s what happened alright. She won her first time out!

Jessica and Ashlee Simpson were having SO much fun tying each other up that Ashlee decided it would be fun to hang around and “learn the ropes” as it were. We directed her to go see Dr. Gags for a while for some personal instruction. You can see how she’s coming along at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/drgagsremastered/

On the flip side, Britney was absolutely livid when she lost to Kelly Clarkson in the first round. I’ve never heard such an unbroken string of obscenities in all my life and I’ve been to a few Rugby matches in my day! If you ask me, I’d say she’s a few Kangaroos loose in the top paddock.

Oh, and there were a few intense moments between Teri Hatcher and Eva Longoria in the beginning of their first round match but at once we put them in separate areas of the compound (far, FAR apart from each other), they were fine, mostly.

My favorite new competitor this year has to be Chyler Leigh. She’s so fun to be around and willing to have a go at just about anything, just bonzer. Wish I could’ve said the same about her first round competition, Katie Holmes. She accused *me* of being dodgy with her because I was getting on so well with Chyler. Now mind you Katie hasn’t had her heart in the tourno since she made the final four a few years back but that’s no reason to be such a duffer about it. Anyway...

Gina left pretty much right after her round was over. She had another gig that started this week so she didn’t mind the early exit. Although, she said if they ever needed some one to show Sarah what TIGHT bondage was supposed to feel like, to give her a call ;-)

Everyone go see my new movie, The Hills Have Eyes! I don't get tied up or anything in it but it's pretty crazy and fun anyway. Maybe next time!

Sorry it’s been so long since my last post. I’m writing from Hawaii because I have to go back to my regular job on Monday. I spent most of this past week just recovering from the week before!

Here’s the kafuffle that happened after my last post:
Mr. Jonze arrived and informed me that Sarah, Natalie, Alyson, Jessica, Britney and Lindsay all had disappeared over the past 2 days. He suspected it was in relation to Eliza’s disappearance and was going to call in “the big guns”. He told me to run over to Michelle’s house to escort her back here for a) questioning and b) her protection. When I got there, she was hogtied and gagged in her living room and I assumed she was playing one of her tie up games again but found out it was no game at all. One chloro nap later, I found myself hogtied on the floor of some studio loft in Westwood with all the other girls, Hudson, Gina and Katie included. We heard a voice behind us and saw the shadow of a feather haired woman in front of us. She said, “You want your fucking queen? She’s right here!” and she revealed herself.

It was Linda Cardellini and she was wearing Eliza's tiara! She started to go on and on about how upset she was when she got snubbed last year in the tournament and she wanted to prove that she was as good, if not better than any of us. Then she dragged Eliza out, in the altogether; tied to a rolling office chair and looking pissed at us for not finding her sooner!

Luckily for all of us, before Linda could start gloating again, the studio was infiltrated by Reese Witherspoon and Mr. Jonze’s ‘Gettes. Mandy Moore and Scarlett Johannson literally jumped on top of Linda and pinned her down while Vanessa Lengies and Kristen Bell trussed her up like a turkey. Reese read Linda the riot act (and then some) about how respect is an earned commodity within our community while the others untied us. A lot of harsh words came out once we were all cut loose but Reese and Hudson diplomatically got everyone to go back to the compound for a debriefing. Several hours and much chinese take-out later, everyone departed except Reese and Linda who was now scheduled for a weekend of strict training and reprimand. Ahem...



Mr. Jonze summarily hooked Hudson, Gina and I up with an all-expenses paid vacation to Hawaii to unwind after all the craziness. This was probably the most stressful, insane week of my life, but I’m glad I got the chance to get to know Hudson and Gina better and I must say that both are incredibly unique and sexy ladies and it’s been my pleasure to work with them.

Okay, I only typed that because Gina is standing right behind me...LOL. Just kidding Gina!j;lajmph

I hardly slept at all last night. It’s Friday and we’re no closer to finding Eliza than we were on Monday. Her publicist finally called and left a message asking if we’d heard from her lately. Hudson and Gina scheduled to go see Katie Holmes today. Mr. Jonze is scheduled to come in later this afternoon.